for auld lang syne, 2013

It had been a rough ride especially towards the end of 2013, but after all has been done, after all cards were dealt, after all those tears and sweat and smiles and laughter, frown and joy, sorrow and sickness, mine, wounded and healed, is still a blessed soul

Looking back, counting the seconds and minutes and hours and days and weeks and months, after 3 failed relationships, a couple of broken friendship, a revelation, a resignation, a pursuit in education, a new job and a new relationship later, I am only beginning to live my life

I cannot be certain of what exactly it is. I just truly felt that I have ended 2013 with a sense of accomplishment. That alone, says a lot because thus far I haven't ended a year with anything more than dinner with friends and family. I did that too, by the way - it's almost customary. Only this time, it is accompanied with a sense of accomplishment. 

That's it! I always asked myself at the end of the year - what have I accomplished this year? Well, my friends, I have, this year, embarked on an educational journey to obtain may Masters degree (dramatic much!). I have a new job - an international company - my office on the 8th floor (that's the top floor of the building) with an almost 360* view of the surrounding area! What's more, my significant other, the love of my life, the one I'm going to grow old with, is going to start work too AND pursuing her dream of managing her own business AND continuing her studies as well! Best part of that - her office is just a stone throw away from mine! Give me any reason to NOT be excited about that and I'll only have but one answer - she is my inspiration!

I have accomplished so much this year - even in those failure I learned and that, in it's own right, is an accomplishment greater than many. For once, I know who my friends are and I know who my friends were. I shall miss those whom were my friends, but for those who still are, I shall cherish and love them more! And for those whom will become my friends, I look forward to our experience together - both good and bad. 


And so to bid farewell to another year of blessed experience, 2013, I sing to thee, for auld lang syne



January was when my 2013 began
          yet another year of resolution!

February was when I splurged
          not knowing of a new beginning

March was when I learned
          and unlearned and became wiser

April was when we first met
          and it was thanks to
February
May witnessed a revelation
          fostered a new friendship, sank some too

June was a summer of new experiences
          a picnic, an adventure, a playful banter

July gave breath to a new fire
          shed light to a forgotten memory

August a joyous celebration
          a welcoming of a new resident into my shell

September a drama, a conflict, a theater
          on stage and in life

October was chilly and cold
          said goodbye to a memory of old

November was quiet
          a turmoil brewing

December was a blessing
          the calm after the storm


2 comments :

Lesson in Life : Mending One's Own Heart

Not to air my dirty linen in public, but me and my girlfriend had a row earlier today. She explicitly gave permission to "kidnap" her for the rest of the day.. this was at 9.30-ish, and by "kidnap", she meant it's ok for me to plan the rest of the day spending time with each other. 

It was 11-ish when I managed to leave home to pick her up - when she said she had to go with this uncle of hers to do some errands. I was literally five minutes away from her house when she said she'd already left, and yeah, I was sort of annoyed. Since I can't do anything about it, I turned around and waited at one of the bus stops. 

A few minutes later she said she was already home, and was again, going to go out to do some more errands with the same uncle. I got even more annoyed, and figured I best spend the time waiting for her at my office. This, because she told me I would have to wait awhile. I had only just booted up my laptop when she told me she was already home and ready. So I got even more annoyed, this time with myself for having driven so far only to have to drive back! 

All in all, we spent some great quality time together. I had to adjust most of my plans - in fact did nothing on the list because I was no longer in the mood and did everything else instead. Telling myself, 
..the problem is not the problem. the problem is your attitude towards the problem..
The main reason why that suddenly became my mantra for the day was, when I got to her house and we went our way, I was still annoyed. Pissed off, to be exact. Not just because I had lost about an hour of time to spend with her, but also because of her uncle. What pissed me off most was how she casually waltz in and began talking about how she hates having her time taken away by this uncle. She could've gotten some work done. She could've continued her to-do list. She could've this.. She could've that.. 
I could not find any me there.. 
Again, the problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude towards the problem. So I told myself, it's ok. She just needs to vent, so let her vent. She just needs to say what's on her mind, so lend an ear and listen. And she's there, isn't she? Why waste your time letting your annoyance get the best of you? So I made yet another excuse for her, and told myself that it's ok.. 

Now, as I sat typing this, had it been me at her position, I would handle it very differently. I would apologize for the slight delay in the plan - and apologize again when we finally met, to make sure that we're both ok. I would then put the attention back on us, just the two of us, because at that point of time, there is just us, spending time with each other. A little romance wont hurt anyone, right? And you don't need your throat to hold hands. 

I suppose venting it out here makes no difference. She will definitely not be affected by it, strong, hard headed, single minded person that she is. And I admire her for that. I can't change her design, and not apologizing, even when it was clearly expected of her, is just not her design. Still, she is the one I have chosen to grow old with, even if there is a very high chance with her wanting to travel the world, we would grow old apart. In a way, I would still be growing old with her - just not beside each other. 

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Durian oh durian...

I had a chance to try the Durian Cheese Cake at Secret Recipe earlier, and it was delish. At the same time tho, I remembered the memory attached to that particular Secret Recipe, and was the main reason why I avoid it until only recently - having made peace with that memory..

Well, in the same context, I was reminded of a dear friend who hated durian so much that if the fridge is used to store durian, even in separate containers in separate compartments, he would not eat anything that came out of that fridge. He would even cringe at the smell from miles away! Imagine him walking into Secret Recipe that has Durian Cheese Cake.. hahaha! (owh and on a side note, this particular friend also do not eat bananas! >.<)

Analogically speaking, durian is still durian no matter how you serve it. As is, freshly peeled, or made into tempoyak, and fried tempoyak, dodol, crepe, cake, however you serve it, is still durian. No matter where you serve it, either on the roadside, at the market, nicely wrapped in a supermarket, at home, at a small stall made and wrapped to go, in a restaurant, at a five star hotel, it is still, in fact, durian! Some people love it, some people tolerate it, and some just hate it.

I wonder if you get the hint of what I'm trying to say. Let's say that I am the durian. I can wear the best clothes from a famous brand, or the worst match from the cheapest store.. I can keep my hair long or trim it short. I can keep my beard or shave it clean. I can put on whatever persona I see fit, whenever I feel like it, wherever I am required to, but I will always be me. Some people love me, some people tolerate me, and some just hate me. 

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My one and only impossible..

Sometimes I get angry at myself for setting impossible goals. I get very envious of friends who set tangible goals like owning a huge house by the ocean, driving big fancy cars that turn heads, wearing designer brands from head to toe, travelling the world. Compared to that, my goal is impossibly stupid. 

I've had interviewers who lifted a brow, amused when I stated my goal. The fact that I say it with such unwavering conviction did not help either. To some of them, I came off as a little aloof. 

I don't expect many to understand. I don't understand their goals either. If I may be so bold, I would question them, after you own that magnificent of a house overlooking the most exotic of beach, who will you live in with? Who is with you in that fanciest of all cars you now have the key to? When you've flown first class into the largest most busiest of all airports in the most glorious of all cities or boarding the fastest of all trains across the widest expanses of the land or sailing the biggest cruise ship in the seven seas, who is there with you? 

Yes, my goal is simple. My goal is also true. My one and only goal is to grow old with you. Then, whether it is the house overlooking the ocean or a flat in the slums, whether it is the fastest car or just a simple pedal bike, whether it is first class or economy, the fastest train or on a cartwheel, whether a cruise ship or a ferry across the river, I will always spend each and every moment with you, and that is all I need.  

# # # # # # #  =====  # # # # # # #   

I should just stop and leave it as it is, this post. An emotional one. I've reasoned, and reasoned, and reasoned with myself whether I should change my goal so that it is more practical. Unfortunately I can't. My goal is still that. 

Then one may ask, how are you going to accomplish it? I have to start first by looking for the person to grow old with, don't I? Not necessarily. In fact, I say no to that. I ask myself first, before being able to say to the person, "I would like to grow old with you", am I worthy enough? Can I provide her with everything she needs? A roof over her head, food on her plate, happiness and freedom, joy and laughter, support and comfort? Can I be that man of her dreams? That is my motivation towards my goal. 

# # # # # # #  =====  # # # # # # # 

Like her, my time is running out too. When she takes off, I will have to stay behind. When she reaches her goal, the road to mine gets narrower, and the door closes faster. And you know, because of that I am angry at myself for not being good enough to be able to go with her... Like I said, my goal is just impossible.. 

1 comments :

Say something..

My heart just about stopped in the middle of doing a system behavior analysis, not because of the sheer complexity of the task at hand, but the background music I was listening to. The myriad of thoughts just suddenly flashed and I had to excuse myself from the table. I was suddenly scared. Very, very scared.

I'd like to think of myself as the supporter. I rarely motivate. In a way, I feel when I motivate, I impose myself onto the person, whereas as a supporter, I stand somewhere in the behind, so that if the person ever feels like falling, I'd be able to support and cushion that person. 

And recently, my better half found her own motivation to pursue her dreams. More than that, she found ways to realize the dream, and off she went - going on and on and on about how she's going to do this and that, around here and over there, because this is possible and that is just within grasp. Dealing with her anxiety is easy, and when she expressed her enthusiasm of travelling, I became that supporter, promising myself to prepare a home for her to return to. 

But then, as I hear that song, I was so overwhelmed with fear - one so personal between us that it was never even expressed. I'm scared of losing you before your time, and I'm scared of not being around to hold and kiss you one last time. Owh man... I just wanna grow old with you.. 

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