to a special someone...

"i LoVE yOu" ... are words that I could never say to you... perhaps I'm not ready to say it, and also in the back of my mind, I think that you are not ready to hear it... and maybe the two of us will never be ready for it... I know for fact that you know how I feel about you, but both of just tries hard to play it cool and pretend like those feelings were never there... correction, ARE never there... I've been missing you every single second of every single minute of every single hour of every single day since I came to KL with every single step that I take and every blink of my eyes and every single breath that I take... I know that it sounds so cliche and melodramatic, but I cant seem to get you off of my mind... Every thought, everything in my conciousness tells me that we belong together, or at least I belong to you... But that is the most impossible...

There is a thin line between KNOWING that "i MiSS u" and HOPING that "i MiSS u"... I can never tell how you feel about me beyond friendship, and now that we're physically so far apart, it gets even harder to tell... and to respond... It took me a great deal of effort and herculean strength to not call or send you a message... Its not that I dont want to... I was ... AM afraid that I might catch you at a bad time, or worse, push you away... that day before I left, I told you how much you mean to me, but those are only words and they're barely enough to really describe how I feel inside... I wanted to show you how I feel, but even telling you drained me so much just to overcome that fear of rejection... I had to hold back... I fear I might not be able to pick myself up if I crash and burn...

I've always thought that your friends.. I mean our friends hinders you from letting yourself out to me... When we (the friends and myself included) graduated and each went back to their hometowns, I thought that there'd be just u and I left... it was wishful thinking, I know... But fate has a way to deny me a chance of happiness... or at least a chance to know... I (wishfully) thought that I could send you to college and pick you up after classes... Maybe have lunch together, and do stuffs that lovers do... hahaha.. LoVerS... such a melodramatic word... But its the best that I can come up with...

I miss your smile, and I miss your laughter even though with me, you always held back... You never laughed the same way with me as you would when there are other friends around... It doesnt matter.. I know how awkward it is when there's just the two of us...

I miss your frown, and I miss your sigh... I miss those times when you'd suddenly stare out blankly or just turn away from me... I know that you dont mean to do it, and that u probably do it cuz you couldnt think of a different action for that moment... It was those times that I just wanna hold you close to me and tell you that its ok... Everthing will work itself out eventually... But I never did that... Actions takes courage, and there are consequences.. I fear trying to bring you closer will only push you further away...

I was trying hard to ease you with this relationship, but sometimes your words and actions also hurts me... I shook it away thinking that you didnt really mean to do what you did, and that it was probably to you, a joke... All I can tell you is that being with you I feel so miserable with guilt, but I can never picture myself being without you...

I miss the way you walk, and on occassions that smile you geve me whenever our paths would cross... and I dont recall you calling out my name ... even the name that people call me by... Its like you want to keep me away from the rest of the world... And I'm not sure if you are also part of that world, cuz you'd call me by the callings that I never imangined myself being called.. Its not a bad thing, but still I do wish that you'd call me by my name like you would call out your friends by theirs...

Knowing how awkward it is between us, you still come to me for help if you're stuck whenever about whatever.. I may not be able to help a lot, but I tried as hard as I could... I tried very very hard... And even in that I still fear that there's an invisible line that I might be crossing and by doing so I'm pushing you away when all I intended to do was to help...

Other people are blessed to be able to say "I hate it when he/she does that to me"... me? all I can say is "I hate it when I do this to myself".. Perhaps I am overthinking, but I cant help it... I do things and was left hanging... but it was something that I choose to do... It is my choice, and I guess I cant really bitch about it since I brought it onto myself... But I want you to know that despite what our friends say, you are not a burden to me...

Sometimes... actually a lot of times, i need support... And I wish that the person who cheers me on is you... now I sound desperate, but truth be told, I am sick and tired of pushing myself through life... I am doing fine alone.. My GPA are above 3.5 always, and I'd probably be able to go far even on my own... But I dont want to do this for myself anymore... I dont want to live for myself anymore... (wishful thinking again) I wish you would be the one to tell me "If you wont do it for yourself, then do it for me".. those words would've been enough for me to really push myself onwards...

I'm gonna type in something that unless you brought it up after reading this (that is if ur even reading this.. erm.. if you are then this bracketed phrase is very pointless... nvm). The night before the annual dinner, I went out with a very good friend, and we went karaoke... just beside the place was a small minimart, with a big sign that sez your name.. Now prior to that we had very minimum contact with one another, and I just kept my feelings to myself (and told a few of our friends about it), but I thought that it was a sign from above... (literally cuz the sign that sez your name was high up...LOL). Sure enough, the night after that which was the annual dinner night, we grew closer... somewhat... and ever since that night, up til this point, I lost count of how many times I say your name somewhere on something... a commercial, credits after movies, fliers, shop names etc... Perhaps they were there since before we even met, and that since I know you I just simply became aware of them, but to me they're always a telltale sign that we belong together... or at least I belong to you...

I wanted so much to tell you "i LoVE u" but i can never bring myself to say it... Perhaps if you were to ask me to really say what's on my mind, and what I feel for you for real, no beating around the bush... then I just might... but then where do we go from there? in fact, now that we're so far apart, where are we now? Still, I do want to give this relationship a chance to move, even inch by inch, forward... So here I ask you to give me a chance... to give us a chance... Maybe we can work it out somehow even though the odds may seem against us...

p/s I hope that while reading this, you picture me talking to you... Imagine the way I talk, and my intonations as I say them.. I have had many misunderstandings with my writings, even through sms... Jokes turned bad (even a disaster) etc... and I hope that you are reading this, and would bring it up into conversation... Cuz it took a lot to even write this, and I may never have the courage to ask you... I hope you understand that this is just as hard on me as it is on you... I was opening your friendster page as I wrote this... I just miss seeing you, and being with you... thanks...