Like I said in my previous post, I seriously need to take charge of my own life.. I was always so bent on ensuring the people around me get what they expect of me, and often at the cost of my own errrr... something... happiness, freedom, choice... just to name a few.. And recently, about a month ago to be exact, I let (again) my cousin's and brother's problem (and not to mension her boyfriend as well) interfere with my own life.. At the heavy cost of Kuching, I agreed to move to KL to sort things out...

Did things got sorted out? You can say that... The main reason I came to KL was to kick out a couple of freeloaders - non-family freeloaders - out of the house.. Well, that is if you can call them guys anymore.. the're on the fast lane to girly-girly land.. sissy ba**ards.. So far, I've managed to kick out 1... Watch out, this mouth of mine is pretty merciless, and the poor guy practically packed his bag the moment my cousin turned her back on us.. haha.. the other now is constantly hovering in my cousin's shadow..

Yeah I could take the easy way out n tell my cousin to throw them out (literally, I wish), but it was her decission to take them in when my brother screwed up with the responsibility of taking care of her and the house.. I'm always here to clean up his mess..

Well anyways, I cant seem to put sense into the other guy.. I've been blunt to him and told him that my cousin is now surrounded with family, and she's been with her boyfriend for almost 6 years now... You, my friend (NOT) are nobody, and I suggest you pack up your things and get the h*ll out.. There's only two rooms in this house, my cousin sure owns 1... and myself? I sure aint gonna let you go all queen in the other room.. No sirry, that room is mine, and I'mma share it with my bro.. No place for you here, so just get out..

That failed ROYALLY... seems he's thicker than my b*tchy mouth can pierce.. How could any1 be so dense? In any case, I give up... My cousin seems to like having her around anyways, in spite of her boyfriend (and my brother) who wouldnt stay in the same room as he's in...

But thats not the thing that bothers me.. see thi thing is, my brother and the boyfriend would eternally made fun of him.. He's a guy, with the body of a guy, the face of a guy, and the voice of a guy, and he acts as if he's a girl.. queeny.. I have nothing against them, really.. I've got so many kind of friends, and as long as they respect themselelves, and as long as they respect me (or stay away from me) thats fine... He, on the other hand, being dense as he is, is staying in the same house as I am.. In the same room as my cousin (he sleeps on the floor)..

But the problem is the boyfriend and my brother made fun of him.. (not that he's not a laughing stalk in a sidistic kind of way.. he is).. and the boyfriend constantly remarks that him and I will soon become couples (YUCK to the power of infinity).. I hate that kind of remark.. but I silenced myself and laughed like it was a joke.. a pitiful, corny one at that.. God, I tried.. I TRIED to kick him out, but like I said.. I failed.. and since my cousin is growing fonder of him every single minute she spends with him, there's nothing more that I can do.. So live with it... You only come by for a few hours a few days of the week, but me, I had to LIVE with him under the same roof.. Its harder for me, k? So just stop b*tching about it.. God!!

This afternoon was another session of guy talk and b*tch about the other guy (who at that time was playing badminton outside with my cousin) and it was then that I came up with the new year resolution.. I gotta say, dense as he is, he was the spark of that resolution.. and because of him, I'm gonna stick with it to prove to myself that I dont have to listen to what people say about other people... Who matters most to me is me, and I will now always come first... I'll still be nice, but now I'm gonna add a lot of firmness into that... To my brother and the boyfriend, get over it.. Sayonara old me...

Hey y'all... how was Christmas? I must say that although I don't celebrate it, I do feel the spirit of the holidays... Though for me holidays or not makes not much difference since I’ve got nothing to do anyways.. I’ve been lounging around the house, practically rotting myself away.. but then in all that time I spent on my own, and in the midst of occasional conversation with my cousin, her boyfriend, her friend and my own brother, I came to a clear definition of where I am at this particular point of my life... I cant exactly put it into words, but yeah, there’s no mistaking that moment of realization that is just as brief as it is awakening...

I am at that point of my life where I should make a stand.. I should be making my own decisions, those that are important as well as petty... I should be taking charge of my own life, and not let anyone boss me around.. I shouldn’t be just a bystander in their lives (my cousins, her boyfriend, her friend, and even my own brother).. I am alive, and therefore should have my own life.. I love them, but that doesn’t mean that I have to do whatever they expect of me...

So guys, here is my new year resolution.. Year 2009 is going to be a very different year for me.. I know now (owh, it feels so refreshing to finally be awaken) the difference between what is EXPECTED from me, and what I WANT for myself.. And I’ll start with the things that I can control and change...

FIRST is that I am going to make decisions for myself.. My cousin, next to her is her boyfriend, and my brother (I don’t give a damn about that friend of hers that stays in this house.. I’ve had enough crap from him for one lifetime..) always has their way about when it comes to me.. Always wanting me go job hunting here at this company when I clearly don’t fit in (they asked me to go interview for a marketing position even if they know I’m an IT graduate.. No more of that crap.. I decide where I want to work, and that’s that.. And for the most part, they’d always drag me out and about sweet-talking me into buying this and that.. most of them I don’t need.. I’m not gonna eat food that I don’t want to eat, and I’m not gonna wear clothes that I don’t want to wear... The “Ok, I’ll eat that” and “Sure, I think i can wear that” K-rule is now officially GONE!!!

SECOND is that ... well .. since there is a chance of leaking information, I’m gonna keep this to myself.. but I’ll give you guys a hint.. aeroplane..

THIRD I am going to take better care of the ones that matters most in my life.. My family, my girlfriend and all of my friends.. And I’m gonna do all that without compromising my FIRST resolution... and to do that, I have to first take care of myself.. Be more managed and manageable.. be more responsible and take up the responsibilities that I should be taking years ago.. Less selfish, more selfless.. Less mourning about them things that I can’t change or have no control over.. And try to go with the flow for a change instead of charging blindly... Overall, I need to change.. correction, I WANT to change...

FORTH is I am going to get a job, doesn’t have to be my dream job, just a job.. As long as I have the chance to prove what I’m worth, and give myself the pleasure of providing for my brother, my sister, my mom and dad, my girlfriend and my friends, (my my, that’s a lot of mouths to feed) that’s pure satisfaction for me..

FIFTH I am going to get a Masters Degree.. Of course, that cannot be done in one year, but I can start in 2009 right? So there...

There’s my FIVE year 2009 resolution.. To all involved directly or indirectly (whatever that means) in my life, prepare for the coming of K-Rule 2009... My alteredego finally lifts up to its name... Muahahaha!!!!

Huhu, sitting around at home is boring... I wanted to go out, but going out means spending cash.. Transportation, food, shopping??!!! .. I managed to lose a few kilos even sitting at home.. There's a treadmill machine here, and I also have a dumb-bell fro weight training.. And occasionally, I'd turn up the music and shuffle at the porch..

Anyways...rambling this post isn't about me rambling about ... me ... (~.~) how pathetic is that? Like I said, this is about my friends, who had backed me up every now and then... hehehe.. Afraid I might offend any1 (or overly complimenting someone else) I'm just gonna dedicate this to all you guys out there... hopefully you all have a blissful new year ahead.. n to all celebrating, Merry Christmas!!!

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.!

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant .

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.


Capture the moment and make it last.
Etch faces and emotions on to photographs.
I'll stand behind the flash,
so you can live in the present and recall the past.

A laugh, a smile, a kiss,
the moments that you truly miss.
Look up at the stars and make a wish,
for the chance to take a few more pics.

Do you remember when?
Moments in the front of the lens.
When we used to be friends?
For one path to start, another must end.

Look back to a memory, a moment, a time.
Days when I held your hand and you held mine.
It was such an uphill climb,
but being with you now, feels so sublime.

"i LoVE yOu" ... are words that I could never say to you... perhaps I'm not ready to say it, and also in the back of my mind, I think that you are not ready to hear it... and maybe the two of us will never be ready for it... I know for fact that you know how I feel about you, but both of just tries hard to play it cool and pretend like those feelings were never there... correction, ARE never there... I've been missing you every single second of every single minute of every single hour of every single day since I came to KL with every single step that I take and every blink of my eyes and every single breath that I take... I know that it sounds so cliche and melodramatic, but I cant seem to get you off of my mind... Every thought, everything in my conciousness tells me that we belong together, or at least I belong to you... But that is the most impossible...

There is a thin line between KNOWING that "i MiSS u" and HOPING that "i MiSS u"... I can never tell how you feel about me beyond friendship, and now that we're physically so far apart, it gets even harder to tell... and to respond... It took me a great deal of effort and herculean strength to not call or send you a message... Its not that I dont want to... I was ... AM afraid that I might catch you at a bad time, or worse, push you away... that day before I left, I told you how much you mean to me, but those are only words and they're barely enough to really describe how I feel inside... I wanted to show you how I feel, but even telling you drained me so much just to overcome that fear of rejection... I had to hold back... I fear I might not be able to pick myself up if I crash and burn...

I've always thought that your friends.. I mean our friends hinders you from letting yourself out to me... When we (the friends and myself included) graduated and each went back to their hometowns, I thought that there'd be just u and I left... it was wishful thinking, I know... But fate has a way to deny me a chance of happiness... or at least a chance to know... I (wishfully) thought that I could send you to college and pick you up after classes... Maybe have lunch together, and do stuffs that lovers do... hahaha.. LoVerS... such a melodramatic word... But its the best that I can come up with...

I miss your smile, and I miss your laughter even though with me, you always held back... You never laughed the same way with me as you would when there are other friends around... It doesnt matter.. I know how awkward it is when there's just the two of us...

I miss your frown, and I miss your sigh... I miss those times when you'd suddenly stare out blankly or just turn away from me... I know that you dont mean to do it, and that u probably do it cuz you couldnt think of a different action for that moment... It was those times that I just wanna hold you close to me and tell you that its ok... Everthing will work itself out eventually... But I never did that... Actions takes courage, and there are consequences.. I fear trying to bring you closer will only push you further away...

I was trying hard to ease you with this relationship, but sometimes your words and actions also hurts me... I shook it away thinking that you didnt really mean to do what you did, and that it was probably to you, a joke... All I can tell you is that being with you I feel so miserable with guilt, but I can never picture myself being without you...

I miss the way you walk, and on occassions that smile you geve me whenever our paths would cross... and I dont recall you calling out my name ... even the name that people call me by... Its like you want to keep me away from the rest of the world... And I'm not sure if you are also part of that world, cuz you'd call me by the callings that I never imangined myself being called.. Its not a bad thing, but still I do wish that you'd call me by my name like you would call out your friends by theirs...

Knowing how awkward it is between us, you still come to me for help if you're stuck whenever about whatever.. I may not be able to help a lot, but I tried as hard as I could... I tried very very hard... And even in that I still fear that there's an invisible line that I might be crossing and by doing so I'm pushing you away when all I intended to do was to help...

Other people are blessed to be able to say "I hate it when he/she does that to me"... me? all I can say is "I hate it when I do this to myself".. Perhaps I am overthinking, but I cant help it... I do things and was left hanging... but it was something that I choose to do... It is my choice, and I guess I cant really bitch about it since I brought it onto myself... But I want you to know that despite what our friends say, you are not a burden to me...

Sometimes... actually a lot of times, i need support... And I wish that the person who cheers me on is you... now I sound desperate, but truth be told, I am sick and tired of pushing myself through life... I am doing fine alone.. My GPA are above 3.5 always, and I'd probably be able to go far even on my own... But I dont want to do this for myself anymore... I dont want to live for myself anymore... (wishful thinking again) I wish you would be the one to tell me "If you wont do it for yourself, then do it for me".. those words would've been enough for me to really push myself onwards...

I'm gonna type in something that unless you brought it up after reading this (that is if ur even reading this.. erm.. if you are then this bracketed phrase is very pointless... nvm). The night before the annual dinner, I went out with a very good friend, and we went karaoke... just beside the place was a small minimart, with a big sign that sez your name.. Now prior to that we had very minimum contact with one another, and I just kept my feelings to myself (and told a few of our friends about it), but I thought that it was a sign from above... (literally cuz the sign that sez your name was high up...LOL). Sure enough, the night after that which was the annual dinner night, we grew closer... somewhat... and ever since that night, up til this point, I lost count of how many times I say your name somewhere on something... a commercial, credits after movies, fliers, shop names etc... Perhaps they were there since before we even met, and that since I know you I just simply became aware of them, but to me they're always a telltale sign that we belong together... or at least I belong to you...

I wanted so much to tell you "i LoVE u" but i can never bring myself to say it... Perhaps if you were to ask me to really say what's on my mind, and what I feel for you for real, no beating around the bush... then I just might... but then where do we go from there? in fact, now that we're so far apart, where are we now? Still, I do want to give this relationship a chance to move, even inch by inch, forward... So here I ask you to give me a chance... to give us a chance... Maybe we can work it out somehow even though the odds may seem against us...

p/s I hope that while reading this, you picture me talking to you... Imagine the way I talk, and my intonations as I say them.. I have had many misunderstandings with my writings, even through sms... Jokes turned bad (even a disaster) etc... and I hope that you are reading this, and would bring it up into conversation... Cuz it took a lot to even write this, and I may never have the courage to ask you... I hope you understand that this is just as hard on me as it is on you... I was opening your friendster page as I wrote this... I just miss seeing you, and being with you... thanks...

I was a lost soul..
My heart was empty, my life not worth living
I have everything a man could wish for
but still, I own nothing at all...

I was nothing until I saw those eyes
I could fall deep into their gave
over, and over, and over again
Unsettling, unrelenting, those eyes are pure
I wish to be the only thing that those eyes sees..

I was empty until I heard that voice
a beacon to my very existence
Calling out, even though not to me..
of that I'm sure
Still, I wish to hear nothing but that voice

I was lonely until I felt that touch
Unintentionally, meaningless touch
but to it I surrender
and with that touch
I wish to be yours forever...

What drew me to you I cannot explain with words
What attracted me to you I cannot show
And how much you mean to me I can never put to value
The only thing I have to give you is me
And the only wish I have is to be yours forever
I hope that somewhere deep inside you feel the same way too...



Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry
call I'm desperate for your voice
Listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Cause every breath that you will take
when you are sitting next to me
will bring life into my deepest hopes, What's your fantasy?
(What's your, what's your, what's your...)

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home
x4
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight



The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Your impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you i'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may of failed
But I have loved you from the start
Ohhhh

But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold onto your words
Cuz talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When your asleep

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Your impossible to find

hrm... I'm still caught in between decisions that could change my future and not to mention who I am... Between staying here in KL or going back to Kuching... Lets go through the pros and cons...

Kuala Lumpur
Pros	Cons
Family problem solved.. With me staying here, the family back at home will be at ease cuz my cousin will not be staying alone and there'll be me around to take care of her..	I'll have her and only her to talk with.. I dont have many friends here, and only occasionally I mingle with the neighbours cuz most of the time they're cooped up in their houses taking care of their little childrens...
I get to live by myself (technically..my cousin would still impose rules, but then we're both adults..), be independent, make my own decissions etc...	I'm not exactly deciplined, but I know how to manage myself.. and rather than being independent, I prefer to be controlled (o_O) by some1...
My cousin (and occasionally her boyfriend) would treat me to nice things to wear, joyful things to do and delicious food to eat...	Doing all that takes time and effort, and not to mention sometimes, I dont like to do/eat some things.. and I usually put on weight...
I could still find time to shuffle...probably...	I'd be doing it alone for a while...until I find contact here...

Kuching
Pros	Cons
I get to stay with the rest of the family, stay in my cosy little room, have all my stuffs (piano, ps2, car, scooter, wardrobe etc...) nuf said for now..	The family (and myself included) would be worried sick about my cousin who'd be staying alone in KL.. there was no problem before, but ever since the house got broken into, every1's worried...
I am (up to a certain point) free to go anywhere and do anything that I feel like doing...	well...sometimes freedom does cost a lot... like fuel and maintenance...
I get to spend time with my family, brother, sister, my beloved girlfriend, my friends and other cousins, nephews, neices and relatives...	Most of the time, I'm the one who treats them...huhuhu...but ats all worth every single cent...
I'd be able to join park shuffle or go to Pustaka... I could also jog and do aerobics...	NIL

It seems that blogspot has trouble with tables...there's a break that I cant remove after each rows...well, nvm... as long as the message gets through... The main reason I'm here in KL is to take care of my cousin... Sure KL offers higher pay in terms of salary, but the cost of living here is also higher compared to Kuching... and I AM the type of guy who gets home sick, and misses my family, friends and not to mention my girlfriend... There's also a certain person that I miss most, but who that person is will be my dirty little secret... hahaha... If ur reading this, u know who u r...

Well, I sure cant make up my mind whether to stay or to go back to Kuching... Physically I am here, but I wish to be nowhere else other than home...

Hey y'all followers... Hows it goin? A little heads up, in case I didnt mention, I shuffle... And shuffle (a.k.a the Melbourne shuffle) is a dance... Sure you've heard of it / knows someone who does it / even do it urself... I started shuffling for fun - entirely for fun... Just thought that I'd try out something new... Then it escalated into a was to pass my time, then I thought of it as a great exercise, and now I guess its growing into a hobby - not the kiddy hobby like hot n cold - u get into it, get bored n stop... This is an adult hobby, like collecting stamps and such... I posted a couple of videos of me shuffling in youtube... If u search for keyword "alteredego86" you'll find it... hehehehe... leave a comment n rate if u wanna...

Since coming to KL, I dont have much free time to shuffle.. But on the second day upon arriving, I contacted Gwee from HEATWAVE trading and asked about my phats which a friend of mine ordered for me about a month before that.. said it was a gift for the Mass Corrosion II which is gonna be held in Kuching this weekend.. huhuhu... I'm gonna miss it.. But still, the phats are coooolll... Its not entirely done, the design only occupies the right leg n the left leg is still blank... No ideas for it yet...

Owh, i forgot... FYI, phats are pants that widen towards the bottom, and is NOT a bellbottom which are tight around the thigh... its a common misconception, especially when trying to explain to taylors who do not have any idea of what phats are... (not blaming them - not their fault.. I just happen to come accross shufflers with bellbottoms instead of phats back in kuching).. Phats are not necessarilly shuffle pants... Instead, the melbourne shuffle adapts phats as a common apparel (huhuhu... that sounds so factual.. L-A-M-E)... Phats are originally rave pants, which is designed (commonly custom made by the owner) with reflective sheets.. As the sheets catches light, it is reflected, and attracts attention to the person wearing it... Thats the whole idea of wearing phats - to attract attention to the person wearing it... (wait - does that mean that if I wear it, I crave attention? LOL)..

Well in any case, I got mine... and its cooolll... hahaha... check it out...

The front view...

And the back...

Hooo.... I cant find the word to describe how thrilled I am when I got them... Just wait til I figure out what to put on the other leg... Its gonna rock... here's a video of my first shuffle in them... Nothing much, just trying out.... Feels great... Wished I was in Kuching, at least there's a chance of joining the Mass Corrosion II... *sigh*