Anxiety control..

To be honest, most of all to myself, I am not exactly in a good place at the moment. It takes my every bit of willpower to not break-down and fall apart, and God it is torture. I keep telling myself it'll be better, but there's always that little voice in my head that keeps asking "When? When? When?" and just letting my mind fleet into the thought for a second almost made me crumble. 

Being jobless is part of the anxiety. I kept a certain sum for emergencies, but emergencies means school fees and car and loans. I'm almost certain I've lost credentials to hang out with some of my friends simply because I can no longer afford it - and no, by all means I'm not accusing them of deserting me at my time of need, but let's be frank - there is nothing they can do to get me out of this shit-hole any more than to send job recommendations. Although I have to admit some are gracious enough to still spend time not money, and frankly, that is all I need right now. 

For the most part, my anxiety came from having to face my past. Most involves bumping into old friends - the friendship fell apart for reasons I still wonder until today. A couple of ex's also made re-appearance, one very enthusiastically trying to re-kindle the relationship that died. I'm still not sure how to handle this. For the time being I'll keep running - literally - until I'm out of breath.

I've pretty much figured out that they'll be frequenting the same place I go to to jog. Jogging is the only stable thing in my life right now. Just bring one step in front after another - leave everything behind for that whole hour. Leave my troubles, leave my anxiety, leave my past. If I am forced to give that up for fear of my past, I don't know where to anchor myself to. 

My significant other, my better half, to say the least I miss her - and that's an understatement. I may get some repercussion because I wrote it here in my blog instead of telling her organically, but it has been a week since we last sat together. She's a workaholic by nature and she loves spending time with her many-many friends. Between this and that, she barely has time for me and I have to understand even tho it kills me to hold back like this. If it's any consolation, I am 100% confident in her loyalty and she can expect the same from me. 

Like everyone else, I do enjoy some alone time. However, anxious times like now, I'd rather be in the company of my better half. That being said, I don't want to get in her way either - I am just so sure that she already has plans even on her off day. Well in any case, I'll just keep things together for a little while longer, wait here like a good boyfriend would until she could spare me a few.