It's not ideal, it's not permanent either...

I recalled a certain time ago I convinced myself that I'll probably never be happy. Honestly, I think we all have come to that point of time in our life - and we passed eventually. Unfortunately for me though, recent events has reminded me of that feeling. It's not ideal, but neither is it permanent too. I might be able to change it - choices are still plenty, just need the courage to choose one, and follow through. 

Dima Saif (2010) defines happiness as "a state of mind and feeling that is made by love, emotions, pleasure, joy and your satisfaction". WolframAlpha defines happiness as "a state of well-being characterised by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy". The Merriam-Webster dictionary further defines happiness as "a state of well-being and contentment", or "a pleasurable or satisfying experience", first known use of the word was in the 15th century. 

So it it just a state of mind? Are there any physical variables involved? The ancient Greeks were among the first to explore the relationship between the physical body and emotional responses. Fast forwarding to the current advancement of science, a particular field of neurosciences proposed that happiness - like every other emotional experiences - is the result of electrochemical reaction to the brain given a stimuli. Copernicus, Darwin and Freud have provided some ground works for the development of the neuroscience field, and Francis Crick hypothesized that "you, your joys and sorrows, your memories and your ambitions , your sense of personality and free will, are in fact no more than the behaviour of a vast assembly of nerve cells and their associated neurons. 

Studies has also revealed that there are chemical compounds in the human body related to happiness. Endorphin is released from physical pain, such as exercising, dopamine is released by reward, oxytocin is released when trust is forged in relationships, and serotonin is released when you feel important. 

On the other side of the scale, philosophers and religious thinkers often defines happiness as a way of living, a good life and flourishing, rather than just simply an emotion. 

Martin Seligman(2004) confidently believes that happiness cannot be derived solely by external, momentary pleasures. He coined the acronym PERMA to summarize that humans are most happy when they have 

1. Pleasure
2. Engagement
3. Relationships
4. Meanings
5. Accomplishments

All these technicalities and sciences are not common to my way of writing, but do forgive me as I am trying to understand myself and my feelings a little more. It's also against my own personal believes that emotions should be felt, not rationalised. Perhaps the happiness chemicals are running low for now and takes a little longer to recharge, or perhaps I've grown accustomed to well-being state of mind that happiness no longer feels like happiness. 

Pleasure? Small things like good food and great company used to excite me. I find myself complaining in my head about the people I know, and not happy with what I contribute daily for work, much less for what I am paid for. 

Engagement? I can't find the challenge anymore. And as far as anyone is concerned, I'm pretty much invisible.

Relationship? Hehe I don't even want to start with this one. When your significant other mentions other guys names in bed (a figurative bed), it's a clear sign she's not satisfied with you and desires another, is it not?

Meanings? Where do I belong, really? I'd even go to a cliche phrase "What is the meaning of my life?" (thinking of the answer: 42)

Accomplishments? Almost 30 and hasn't even been able to kick-start my own life. pffftt..

As much as I try to rationalise it though, I know that source of my unhappiness. And let's face it, far from being happy, I am deeply depressed. I'm just good at putting up a show. Putting things into perspective, I'm just gonna focus on what I have to achieve what I want, and maybe think about giving up pursuing what I cannot have.