I recalled a certain time ago I convinced myself that I'll probably never be happy. Honestly, I think we all have come to that point of time in our life - and we passed eventually. Unfortunately for me though, recent events has reminded me of that feeling. It's not ideal, but neither is it permanent too. I might be able to change it - choices are still plenty, just need the courage to choose one, and follow through. 

Dima Saif (2010) defines happiness as "a state of mind and feeling that is made by love, emotions, pleasure, joy and your satisfaction". WolframAlpha defines happiness as "a state of well-being characterised by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy". The Merriam-Webster dictionary further defines happiness as "a state of well-being and contentment", or "a pleasurable or satisfying experience", first known use of the word was in the 15th century. 

So it it just a state of mind? Are there any physical variables involved? The ancient Greeks were among the first to explore the relationship between the physical body and emotional responses. Fast forwarding to the current advancement of science, a particular field of neurosciences proposed that happiness - like every other emotional experiences - is the result of electrochemical reaction to the brain given a stimuli. Copernicus, Darwin and Freud have provided some ground works for the development of the neuroscience field, and Francis Crick hypothesized that "you, your joys and sorrows, your memories and your ambitions , your sense of personality and free will, are in fact no more than the behaviour of a vast assembly of nerve cells and their associated neurons. 

Studies has also revealed that there are chemical compounds in the human body related to happiness. Endorphin is released from physical pain, such as exercising, dopamine is released by reward, oxytocin is released when trust is forged in relationships, and serotonin is released when you feel important. 

On the other side of the scale, philosophers and religious thinkers often defines happiness as a way of living, a good life and flourishing, rather than just simply an emotion. 

Martin Seligman(2004) confidently believes that happiness cannot be derived solely by external, momentary pleasures. He coined the acronym PERMA to summarize that humans are most happy when they have 

1. Pleasure
2. Engagement
3. Relationships
4. Meanings
5. Accomplishments

All these technicalities and sciences are not common to my way of writing, but do forgive me as I am trying to understand myself and my feelings a little more. It's also against my own personal believes that emotions should be felt, not rationalised. Perhaps the happiness chemicals are running low for now and takes a little longer to recharge, or perhaps I've grown accustomed to well-being state of mind that happiness no longer feels like happiness. 

Pleasure? Small things like good food and great company used to excite me. I find myself complaining in my head about the people I know, and not happy with what I contribute daily for work, much less for what I am paid for. 

Engagement? I can't find the challenge anymore. And as far as anyone is concerned, I'm pretty much invisible.

Relationship? Hehe I don't even want to start with this one. When your significant other mentions other guys names in bed (a figurative bed), it's a clear sign she's not satisfied with you and desires another, is it not?

Meanings? Where do I belong, really? I'd even go to a cliche phrase "What is the meaning of my life?" (thinking of the answer: 42)

Accomplishments? Almost 30 and hasn't even been able to kick-start my own life. pffftt..

As much as I try to rationalise it though, I know that source of my unhappiness. And let's face it, far from being happy, I am deeply depressed. I'm just good at putting up a show. Putting things into perspective, I'm just gonna focus on what I have to achieve what I want, and maybe think about giving up pursuing what I cannot have. 

Rome was not built in a day, the same way success does not come easy. There will always be trials and errors, small achievements and a number of failures. Let's not sugarglaze it - a failure to achieve something, is not the "unsuccessful way" as people usually put it. It is what it is, and it was a failure. The most important thing is to keep trying!

As you walk the miles day by day, learning bits and pieces, earning your keep, you develop your own conscience. By virtue of instinct, you add to your conscience things surrounding you - effectively creating your own persona, your own style, and your own existence.

But instinct and conscience alone will get you nowhere. And even if it does, you may end up exactly where you want to be if you're lucky - or in a race just struggling to keep up with your peers if you're not.

What you need next is a goal - a definition of your destination. Although it is said that the journey is more important than the destination, you may find yourself agreeing that if you fail to reach your goal, the journey seems like a wasted effort.

After deciding your one true goal, you can decide on the more tangible ones - earning your first million before reaching 30, promoted to a manager before 35, etc. In any case, a goal requires resolution. A strong will that drives you in whole to achieve that goal, be it the one and only or so many, be it measuable achievements or implied success, a resolution is an important element in realising one's goal.

My instict and my conscience is clear, and my goal is defined. My destination is to live with the beautiful woman that held my heart since last October. Everything, and I mean everything that I do is done to achieve that goal. I work day in and day out to earn my keep so I can make that goal closer to achieve. I work out at the gym to loosen up and prepare my physical and mental being for the journey. I study so that I can be in par with her and her peers. I talk with people and express myself so I can gain confidence in my own ability to look her in the eyes and tell her "I'll be with you til the very end". I pray so my spirit is at peace, to keep my conscience clear and strong. Such is my resolution

But what happens when the very core of me is challenged? That the way I am right now is not bringing me as close to my goal as I want to be? That the direction I'm heading is the long way round? I begin to waver. Self-doubt, questioning every single action I take. The biggest question that lingers - was my resolution not strong enough?

I'm not good with such confrontation as this. I avoid them like a plague. Some insists on tackling a problem head on, I ponder around it, dragging my feet and in the end opting for a more subtle approach to solving a problem.

And after two day jailed in my head, I came to a conclusion that there are a great many ways to achieve my goal. It is designed to fit my personality - and extrovert, a feeler, relying a lot on intuition and a strong need to justify myself and my surroundings. I'll take on a different view - just one - to feel a little less and to think a little more.

This is my journey - you are my destination - I am me, an ENFJ aiming to be an ENTJ.

I was on my Facebook sometime a couple of months ago when I saw a status from an acquaintance that read :

Come join the ***** cabin crew-walk in interview at ***** ***** o'clock! You don't need to earn a diploma or degree to earn 4k to 5k a month! Bring your friends along too! 

.. or something along that line. See I purposely bold and underline some of the phrases that this acquaintance used to convey the content of his message. Mind you, this acquaintance of mine has a Diploma! 

While I don't oppose public invitations to a career opportunity like this - or any opportunities what-so-ever, I do oppose the method in which the opportunity is presented. 

Consider :

Come join the ***** cabin crew walk-in interview at ***** ****** o'clock. Minimum qualification is ******. Bring your friends and family along! 

 Would it not be nicer? 

The reason why I am blogging about this is because this is not the first time I read how a good opportunity is presented in a bad manner. Just the other day, another acquaintance posted : 

Start with RM 55, you have your own business. Like all businesses, you need customer. Find one friend, your business grows. With the purchase from that one friend, you get RM 20 and 20 free downline. If your friend further sells to one more of his friends, you get another RM 20 - that's RM 40 in total! Less RM 15 to earn your capital back. Your profit begins here even though you don't do anything!

Mind you, it was a rather long post - I did shorten it down. And it was in Malay, I did my best to keep the translation correct. 

In regards, what I understood from this particular acquaintance's post was you begin with RM 55 as capital - sell an intangible product, find downlines (recruiting more people to join to earn profit) and then once the downlines find their own downlines, you earn part of the profit. 

Against my own better judgement, I placed my own comment. Immediately I was attacked! I had it coming - commenting that this looks like a Ponzi scheme. Try as you may, it still looks like a Ponzi scheme because you recruit more people and ask them to recruit more to gain more profit. What happens IF the recruiter don't recruit? NO PROFIT! (yeah, that's a little loud - sorry..)

I digress. Suppose this acquaintance of mine re-word the opportunity - the same way a friend of mine who sells and distributes a health product that you can see, touch, feel and consume - tangible - in the same Pyramid scheme similar to that of a Ponzi scheme, I would not have reacted. In fact, I would see myself being supportive - the least I can do is to share the status on my own wall to my own friends. 

How are these two situations related to each other? What these two acquaintances of mine is advertising is NOT the opportunity that they are offering, instead how you DON'T need a diploma or degree to earn 4k to 5k or open a business. 

Are you saying that we, those who DO have our diplomas and degrees earn those numbers BECAUSE of our diplomas and degrees? How ignorant you are. We were given the opportunity to pursue them! Some even fought their way through for the opportunity to pursue those diplomas and degrees! We spent years! in universities, smiles and cries, sweat and blood, sleepless nights!

Regardless of what you may think, some business owners DO have diplomas and degrees. Some already had them before they venture into the business, some after. A lot of airlines would consider candidates with diplomas and degrees especially in travel and tourism because they can save on training programs for these new employees. Even those trainers at the gym and masseurs probably have diplomas and degrees in their respective fields. DO NOT undermine their hard work with your ignorance.   

I daresay I earned my 4k and 5k income a month. That said, would you NOT be offended IF I say it that way? 

** Author's Note :

This post is not meant to offend anyone. If anything, the author hopes to motivate everyone to better themselves especially in offering opportunities so as not to deliver the wrong connotation as exampled above.. The bold, italics and underlines so serve as intonation, however your reading and the author's narration are different, thus the author only wants his message to be taken seriously, not the intonation in which the post is written or read. 

The author also has friends with educational background as low as PMR who now has her own boutique to PHD holders with no working experiences what-so-ever. The author also supports friends who joins Ponzi Schemes. The difference is that they are mature enough to know how to deliver their messages. 

Not to air my dirty linen in public, but me and my girlfriend had a row earlier today. She explicitly gave permission to "kidnap" her for the rest of the day.. this was at 9.30-ish, and by "kidnap", she meant it's ok for me to plan the rest of the day spending time with each other. 

It was 11-ish when I managed to leave home to pick her up - when she said she had to go with this uncle of hers to do some errands. I was literally five minutes away from her house when she said she'd already left, and yeah, I was sort of annoyed. Since I can't do anything about it, I turned around and waited at one of the bus stops. 

A few minutes later she said she was already home, and was again, going to go out to do some more errands with the same uncle. I got even more annoyed, and figured I best spend the time waiting for her at my office. This, because she told me I would have to wait awhile. I had only just booted up my laptop when she told me she was already home and ready. So I got even more annoyed, this time with myself for having driven so far only to have to drive back! 

All in all, we spent some great quality time together. I had to adjust most of my plans - in fact did nothing on the list because I was no longer in the mood and did everything else instead. Telling myself, 

..the problem is not the problem. the problem is your attitude towards the problem..

The main reason why that suddenly became my mantra for the day was, when I got to her house and we went our way, I was still annoyed. Pissed off, to be exact. Not just because I had lost about an hour of time to spend with her, but also because of her uncle. What pissed me off most was how she casually waltz in and began talking about how she hates having her time taken away by this uncle. She could've gotten some work done. She could've continued her to-do list. She could've this.. She could've that.. 

I could not find any me there.. 

Again, the problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude towards the problem. So I told myself, it's ok. She just needs to vent, so let her vent. She just needs to say what's on her mind, so lend an ear and listen. And she's there, isn't she? Why waste your time letting your annoyance get the best of you? So I made yet another excuse for her, and told myself that it's ok.. 

Now, as I sat typing this, had it been me at her position, I would handle it very differently. I would apologize for the slight delay in the plan - and apologize again when we finally met, to make sure that we're both ok. I would then put the attention back on us, just the two of us, because at that point of time, there is just us, spending time with each other. A little romance wont hurt anyone, right? And you don't need your throat to hold hands. 

I suppose venting it out here makes no difference. She will definitely not be affected by it, strong, hard headed, single minded person that she is. And I admire her for that. I can't change her design, and not apologizing, even when it was clearly expected of her, is just not her design. Still, she is the one I have chosen to grow old with, even if there is a very high chance with her wanting to travel the world, we would grow old apart. In a way, I would still be growing old with her - just not beside each other. 

I had a chance to try the Durian Cheese Cake at Secret Recipe earlier, and it was delish. At the same time tho, I remembered the memory attached to that particular Secret Recipe, and was the main reason why I avoid it until only recently - having made peace with that memory..

Well, in the same context, I was reminded of a dear friend who hated durian so much that if the fridge is used to store durian, even in separate containers in separate compartments, he would not eat anything that came out of that fridge. He would even cringe at the smell from miles away! Imagine him walking into Secret Recipe that has Durian Cheese Cake.. hahaha! (owh and on a side note, this particular friend also do not eat bananas! >.<)

Analogically speaking, durian is still durian no matter how you serve it. As is, freshly peeled, or made into tempoyak, and fried tempoyak, dodol, crepe, cake, however you serve it, is still durian. No matter where you serve it, either on the roadside, at the market, nicely wrapped in a supermarket, at home, at a small stall made and wrapped to go, in a restaurant, at a five star hotel, it is still, in fact, durian! Some people love it, some people tolerate it, and some just hate it.

I wonder if you get the hint of what I'm trying to say. Let's say that I am the durian. I can wear the best clothes from a famous brand, or the worst match from the cheapest store.. I can keep my hair long or trim it short. I can keep my beard or shave it clean. I can put on whatever persona I see fit, whenever I feel like it, wherever I am required to, but I will always be me. Some people love me, some people tolerate me, and some just hate me. 

My heart just about stopped in the middle of doing a system behavior analysis, not because of the sheer complexity of the task at hand, but the background music I was listening to. The myriad of thoughts just suddenly flashed and I had to excuse myself from the table. I was suddenly scared. Very, very scared.

I'd like to think of myself as the supporter. I rarely motivate. In a way, I feel when I motivate, I impose myself onto the person, whereas as a supporter, I stand somewhere in the behind, so that if the person ever feels like falling, I'd be able to support and cushion that person. 

And recently, my better half found her own motivation to pursue her dreams. More than that, she found ways to realize the dream, and off she went - going on and on and on about how she's going to do this and that, around here and over there, because this is possible and that is just within grasp. Dealing with her anxiety is easy, and when she expressed her enthusiasm of travelling, I became that supporter, promising myself to prepare a home for her to return to. 

But then, as I hear that song, I was so overwhelmed with fear - one so personal between us that it was never even expressed. I'm scared of losing you before your time, and I'm scared of not being around to hold and kiss you one last time. Owh man... I just wanna grow old with you.. 

People who got stuck in loneliness have done  nothing wrong. None of us is immune to the feelings of isolation anymore than we are immune to the feelings of hunger or physical pain. 

John Cacioppo in his book Lonelinees.

We were out at the swimming pool, dipping and playing in the water after a hot day when at one point a friend came up and said "You must be in love." Perplexed at how he got the impression, I went of the defensive and asked "How did you come up with that conclusion?" He simply said "Because you looked lonely." 

I find myself pleasantly intrigued by how he associated being lonely and in love. "Loneliness," he went on to say, "in not the same as being alone, this being with others does not guarantee you to not feel lonely. It is also not the same as being cooped up and drowning yourself with guilt and fear and insecurity. Loneliness, real loneliness, is the want of intimacy." 

Describing loneliness as the want of intimacy really put things into perspective. I later discovered that this definition came from Frieda Fromm-Reichmann, a German psychiatrist contemporary to Sigmund Freud. Some of her notable publications was on Migraine, Stereotypies, and Domineering Mothers. Her theory on migraine, in particular, is.. 

..of the opinion that the symptom is produced when an unconscious hostile tendency is directed in particular at the destruction of an object's intelligence ("mental castration") and guilt feelings turn this tendency instead against one's own head'

(Otto Fenichel, The Psychoanalytic Theory of Neurosis (London 1946) p. 253.) 

I digress. Coming back to the topic of loneliness, it has been recently linked to bodily ailments as well as mental degeneration. Psycho-biologist can now show that loneliness sends misleading hormonal signals, disrupts the genes that governs behavior and causes other body system to malfunction and fall apart. Time and age, being the constant, also contributes to the physical effect of loneliness. Some of the diseases that are thought to be induced partly by loneliness is Alzheimer's, obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure and are also contributing factors to bad habits such as smoking, excessive alcohol consumption and drugs. 

Loneliness vary from person to person, just as taste vary from person to person. One would say that a lemon is pleasantly sour, helps to accentuate the taste of his food, while another would say that it is an unnecessary to his food and that the sourness blunts his appetite. There are introverted and extroverted people, as well as there are those who are in constant need for connection and those who don't seem to need friends at all.  

There are among us who are extremely lonely - not because of having too few friends or connections, but because they lack the social support that they require. It is not the quantity, but rather the quality of support - because loneliness can be treated through trust and intimacy. However, following the principle of natural selection and survival of the fittest, lonely people tend to be shunned away from the community for being perceived as weak, or suffer in silence to lead a life under false identity. 

These people are like walking time bombs - more sensitive than others to the pain of rejection. Their temperament is akin to that of a spoiled 5-year-old who would throw a temper-tantrum is his demand were not met. Similarly, shorter temper or passive-aggressive retaliation, cynical remark they consider as jokes, raised voice and self-preservation gestures such as folding the arms across the chest to protect himself. 

Biologically, their heart rate increases, stress hormones flood his body, body tissue swell up, and white blood cells swarm up in anticipation of a physical attack that never came. It would be harmless if this bouts of inflamed arousal dissipates quickly, but if kept for a prolonged period of time, the blood pressure levels would rise. Furthermore, because the body is kept at anticipating larger threats, part of the immune system that fends off smaller, more subtle threats began to fail, contributing to acquired allergies and periodical sickness. 

If we now know that loneliness, a social emotion, can reach into our body's biological system and cause disruptions and amok, what should we do about it? Change our view on health. Being healthy is not just about having a healthy body, but also having a healthy mind and emotion, and a healthy support society. Start small - reach out and seek those who can fulfill your social need, and in return do not shy away from those who seek you to fulfill their social need. Pay closer attention to the later, as you never know, you may heal your own loneliness as you heal theirs, and consequently be in love with each other.

Note : for further reading - The Lethality of Loneliness

I like to think of myself as a simple guy - others usually beg to differ. I enjoy a quiet walk by the riverside or a shopping spree whenever I can afford it. I like my solitary moments, yet at times I crave attention and to be around the people I love it suffocates them (sorry guys >.<) I like food, but I almost always feel guilty after eating - I've been steadily gaining weight lately. What is, is is to me - what was, was was - but what is to be is up to me to change. I guess in the lease amount of words I can describe myself is I'm a bundle of contradiction. 

In any case, of late I find myself collecting memories, reflecting on them, and re-living them one after another. I longed to be the person I used to be - I don't know who I am anymore. Thus to help me remember, I fashioned myself a simple Wall of Very Important Things. Mostly I hung key-chains on it, some were given by an important friend, some was given from a family member, some from my ex-girlfriends (dudes, chill. I've moved on since). A birthday card - something I haven't received since god knows when. Tickets of parks and rides with a dear friend - I hope to see you in Sabah next year. 

Still I feel a huge chunk of my heart is missing. Perhaps I've been looking in the wrong places. 

2 posts in a day! WOOHHOOO!!! XD

The past few weeks brushed by like a cold breeze, leaving the usually up-beat me to shiver and stutter. Normally anxious and dramatic, I find myself more withdrawn than ever. Stumbling upon my old blog really helps me get back (and thus proving the fact that if you don't help yourself, no one will).

So I took a step back. We need to do that sometimes, right? Get our bearings, set thing straight and make sure we don't lose ourself.. I went back and took a personality test (which I do from time to time ever since I discovered Myers Briggs Type Indicator - MBTI). It has been a while since I took the test, I don't remember my type indicator back then, and not sure if much has changed (personally speaking). Got the result : ENFJ

What does it mean?

It means that I am an energy sucking intuitive feeling matter-of-factly extroverted person. MUAHAHAHAHA!!  No, this does not define who I am, it is just one part of me. The tests and indicators are mere tools to determine your preference, and from time to time, place to place, people to people, your own preference change.

Seeking more confirmation, I looked up Keirsey Temperament Sorter and took the test too. Came out the same result (surprise surprise!). A little more reading I discovered some now info regarding my personality indicator. I am what is classified as the Intuitive Teacher who's generally comfortable being out and about to help guide people around me through their lives. Funny that, cuz I ultimately want to end my professional career in the education line. (Currently serving in the business and professional environment to equip myself with needed knowledge and experience before guiding the young ones - yet another common trait in this personality class).

Well I could blabber much about my personality trait, but bot here, not at the moment. I prefer others to view me in person, and the dynamics of who I am, rather than having a certain pre-conception based on what they read beforehand.

In any case, dumb as it may sound, I was feeling rather depressed lately (having turned down by a crush. You'd think you're man enough to handle it at 27, but apparently the older you get, the more it hurt). Aaaannnyywaaaayyss, I found myself slacking, lagging, forgetting the day of the week (woking 5 days a week and attending classes on the weekends does not help) etc. etc. until I read about Nuffnang's credit card design contest which led me to find my old blog still up.

I read up some of the entries that I wrote, reminded of who I was back then and how far I've actually gone in life. Had a few heart-breaks that healed and scarred, but those are experience none the less. My experience.

As I wrote this, I feel relieved. Finally, I think I can be positive about life again. It's simple as it is, I'm alive, I'm thankful for the friends that I have, sad for those that became strangers, and at the same time wholly excited think of strangers becoming friends.

So yeah, I think I'll be alright.

P/S:

• If you're interested in trying the MBTI to find out your personality preference, you can try it here. 
• Next, the Kiersley Temperament Sorter here. 
• Don't worry if you find that you need to register or pay a certain fee to get a complete result. What you need is really the 4 letter result, and use Wikipedia to get more info. I'll put a widget in my blog to help you out. XD