I recalled a certain time ago I convinced myself that I'll probably never be happy. Honestly, I think we all have come to that point of time in our life - and we passed eventually. Unfortunately for me though, recent events has reminded me of that feeling. It's not ideal, but neither is it permanent too. I might be able to change it - choices are still plenty, just need the courage to choose one, and follow through. 

Dima Saif (2010) defines happiness as "a state of mind and feeling that is made by love, emotions, pleasure, joy and your satisfaction". WolframAlpha defines happiness as "a state of well-being characterised by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy". The Merriam-Webster dictionary further defines happiness as "a state of well-being and contentment", or "a pleasurable or satisfying experience", first known use of the word was in the 15th century. 

So it it just a state of mind? Are there any physical variables involved? The ancient Greeks were among the first to explore the relationship between the physical body and emotional responses. Fast forwarding to the current advancement of science, a particular field of neurosciences proposed that happiness - like every other emotional experiences - is the result of electrochemical reaction to the brain given a stimuli. Copernicus, Darwin and Freud have provided some ground works for the development of the neuroscience field, and Francis Crick hypothesized that "you, your joys and sorrows, your memories and your ambitions , your sense of personality and free will, are in fact no more than the behaviour of a vast assembly of nerve cells and their associated neurons. 

Studies has also revealed that there are chemical compounds in the human body related to happiness. Endorphin is released from physical pain, such as exercising, dopamine is released by reward, oxytocin is released when trust is forged in relationships, and serotonin is released when you feel important. 

On the other side of the scale, philosophers and religious thinkers often defines happiness as a way of living, a good life and flourishing, rather than just simply an emotion. 

Martin Seligman(2004) confidently believes that happiness cannot be derived solely by external, momentary pleasures. He coined the acronym PERMA to summarize that humans are most happy when they have 

1. Pleasure
2. Engagement
3. Relationships
4. Meanings
5. Accomplishments

All these technicalities and sciences are not common to my way of writing, but do forgive me as I am trying to understand myself and my feelings a little more. It's also against my own personal believes that emotions should be felt, not rationalised. Perhaps the happiness chemicals are running low for now and takes a little longer to recharge, or perhaps I've grown accustomed to well-being state of mind that happiness no longer feels like happiness. 

Pleasure? Small things like good food and great company used to excite me. I find myself complaining in my head about the people I know, and not happy with what I contribute daily for work, much less for what I am paid for. 

Engagement? I can't find the challenge anymore. And as far as anyone is concerned, I'm pretty much invisible.

Relationship? Hehe I don't even want to start with this one. When your significant other mentions other guys names in bed (a figurative bed), it's a clear sign she's not satisfied with you and desires another, is it not?

Meanings? Where do I belong, really? I'd even go to a cliche phrase "What is the meaning of my life?" (thinking of the answer: 42)

Accomplishments? Almost 30 and hasn't even been able to kick-start my own life. pffftt..

As much as I try to rationalise it though, I know that source of my unhappiness. And let's face it, far from being happy, I am deeply depressed. I'm just good at putting up a show. Putting things into perspective, I'm just gonna focus on what I have to achieve what I want, and maybe think about giving up pursuing what I cannot have. 

First of all, IF there are any spelling errors a.k.a typos, please forgive me. I'm a little tired from work - brain is basically so dead that even zombies would lose appetite! >.<

Last Sunday, after little dilly-dallying during lunch, me and my friends (a brother) included decided to go to the beach. The weather was just fine, a little windy but the sun was hiding behind the clouds.. PERFECT day to spend at the beach.. 

I can't remember when was the last time I went to the beach. To be honest, the drive turns me off. Yeah yeah, it's only half-an-hour or so according to some people... still, the road was bumpy... aaannnndddd.... if you happen to drive behind a slow driver, it can be a "dangerous" drive.. 

aaaaaaannnyyyywwaaaayysssss... we got there nonetheless.. and snapped a whole lot of pictures! This is my favourite!

Took it with Android SphereCam.. you can view the sphere here. 

SphereCam may not work properly on mobile devices. I suggest you go to your desktop and enjoy some of the spheres I took there instead.. 

An almost 360 Panorama of D'Cove

A new attraction : Whale Bone!

Ice Cream Goyang in the making! 

More spheres can be viewed here and here. These, however, are experimental and are epic fails!! hahaha!

Cheerss!! >.<

P/S : Sorry for the external links to the spheres.. I can't seem to be able to find out how to embed them into the post.. >.<

Tag me if you can!! Hahaha! It was very random when a friend suddenly said "Let's play laser tag!!". There was only four of us at home that day, and so we all agreed. Laser tag is a new "in" thing in Kuching - having the first ever located in CityOne Megamall called Laser Raiders. 

Laser Raiders feature a 5,000 sq. ft. multilevel arena, and from what I can see, is a successful attempt to introduce a new, fun, and (somewhat) healthy indoor activity to Kuchinglites and visitors alike. According to the info, Laser Raiders Kuching has the best and largest in East Malaysia!! WOW! (then again, it is the only one so far, so yes, they can claim this title until...)

The game in itself in intense - added with special fog and glow effects, laser lighting and dark arena, each game, or mission, lasts roughly 10 minutes depending on the game, or mission type. And apparently, there are plenty to choose from ranging from beginner  to expert, for example basic individual shoot-and-tag with unlimited ammo and life, to Partners, Gladiator, Fugitive, and even Capture the Flag. Great platform for team-building activities. 

Being beginners, we tried the individual shoot-and-tag mission. Since there were only four of us, we were grouped together with about 6 more people to make it a party of 10. A note : it was a bad idea to wear a light-colored long sleeve - I was so easy to spot I ended up being last in the scoreboard. (well that, and I have bad aim AND practically blind in the dark). Still, it was a fun session!

Lemme show you some parts of the arena : (photo's from Groupon) 

It had been a rough ride especially towards the end of 2013, but after all has been done, after all cards were dealt, after all those tears and sweat and smiles and laughter, frown and joy, sorrow and sickness, mine, wounded and healed, is still a blessed soul. 

Looking back, counting the seconds and minutes and hours and days and weeks and months, after 3 failed relationships, a couple of broken friendship, a revelation, a resignation, a pursuit in education, a new job and a new relationship later, I am only beginning to live my life. 

I cannot be certain of what exactly it is. I just truly felt that I have ended 2013 with a sense of accomplishment. That alone, says a lot because thus far I haven't ended a year with anything more than dinner with friends and family. I did that too, by the way - it's almost customary. Only this time, it is accompanied with a sense of accomplishment. 

That's it! I always asked myself at the end of the year - what have I accomplished this year? Well, my friends, I have, this year, embarked on an educational journey to obtain may Masters degree (dramatic much!). I have a new job - an international company - my office on the 8th floor (that's the top floor of the building) with an almost 360* view of the surrounding area! What's more, my significant other, the love of my life, the one I'm going to grow old with, is going to start work too AND pursuing her dream of managing her own business AND continuing her studies as well! Best part of that - her office is just a stone throw away from mine! Give me any reason to NOT be excited about that and I'll only have but one answer - she is my inspiration!

I have accomplished so much this year - even in those failure I learned and that, in it's own right, is an accomplishment greater than many. For once, I know who my friends are and I know who my friends were. I shall miss those whom were my friends, but for those who still are, I shall cherish and love them more! And for those whom will become my friends, I look forward to our experience together - both good and bad. 

And so to bid farewell to another year of blessed experience, 2013, I sing to thee, for auld lang syne. 

January was when my 2013 began
          yet another year of resolution!
February was when I splurged
          not knowing of a new beginning
March was when I learned
          and unlearned and became wiser
April was when we first met
          and it was thanks to February
May witnessed a revelation
          fostered a new friendship, sank some too
June was a summer of new experiences
          a picnic, an adventure, a playful banter
July gave breath to a new fire
          shed light to a forgotten memory
August a joyous celebration
          a welcoming of a new resident into my shell
September a drama, a conflict, a theater
          on stage and in life
October was chilly and cold
          said goodbye to a memory of old
November was quiet
          a turmoil brewing
December was a blessing
          the calm after the storm

I had a chance to try the Durian Cheese Cake at Secret Recipe earlier, and it was delish. At the same time tho, I remembered the memory attached to that particular Secret Recipe, and was the main reason why I avoid it until only recently - having made peace with that memory..

Well, in the same context, I was reminded of a dear friend who hated durian so much that if the fridge is used to store durian, even in separate containers in separate compartments, he would not eat anything that came out of that fridge. He would even cringe at the smell from miles away! Imagine him walking into Secret Recipe that has Durian Cheese Cake.. hahaha! (owh and on a side note, this particular friend also do not eat bananas! >.<)

Analogically speaking, durian is still durian no matter how you serve it. As is, freshly peeled, or made into tempoyak, and fried tempoyak, dodol, crepe, cake, however you serve it, is still durian. No matter where you serve it, either on the roadside, at the market, nicely wrapped in a supermarket, at home, at a small stall made and wrapped to go, in a restaurant, at a five star hotel, it is still, in fact, durian! Some people love it, some people tolerate it, and some just hate it.

I wonder if you get the hint of what I'm trying to say. Let's say that I am the durian. I can wear the best clothes from a famous brand, or the worst match from the cheapest store.. I can keep my hair long or trim it short. I can keep my beard or shave it clean. I can put on whatever persona I see fit, whenever I feel like it, wherever I am required to, but I will always be me. Some people love me, some people tolerate me, and some just hate me. 

Sometimes I get angry at myself for setting impossible goals. I get very envious of friends who set tangible goals like owning a huge house by the ocean, driving big fancy cars that turn heads, wearing designer brands from head to toe, travelling the world. Compared to that, my goal is impossibly stupid. 

I've had interviewers who lifted a brow, amused when I stated my goal. The fact that I say it with such unwavering conviction did not help either. To some of them, I came off as a little aloof. 

I don't expect many to understand. I don't understand their goals either. If I may be so bold, I would question them, after you own that magnificent of a house overlooking the most exotic of beach, who will you live in with? Who is with you in that fanciest of all cars you now have the key to? When you've flown first class into the largest most busiest of all airports in the most glorious of all cities or boarding the fastest of all trains across the widest expanses of the land or sailing the biggest cruise ship in the seven seas, who is there with you? 

Yes, my goal is simple. My goal is also true. My one and only goal is to grow old with you. Then, whether it is the house overlooking the ocean or a flat in the slums, whether it is the fastest car or just a simple pedal bike, whether it is first class or economy, the fastest train or on a cartwheel, whether a cruise ship or a ferry across the river, I will always spend each and every moment with you, and that is all I need.  

# # # # # # #  =====  # # # # # # #   

I should just stop and leave it as it is, this post. An emotional one. I've reasoned, and reasoned, and reasoned with myself whether I should change my goal so that it is more practical. Unfortunately I can't. My goal is still that. 

Then one may ask, how are you going to accomplish it? I have to start first by looking for the person to grow old with, don't I? Not necessarily. In fact, I say no to that. I ask myself first, before being able to say to the person, "I would like to grow old with you", am I worthy enough? Can I provide her with everything she needs? A roof over her head, food on her plate, happiness and freedom, joy and laughter, support and comfort? Can I be that man of her dreams? That is my motivation towards my goal. 

# # # # # # #  =====  # # # # # # # 

Like her, my time is running out too. When she takes off, I will have to stay behind. When she reaches her goal, the road to mine gets narrower, and the door closes faster. And you know, because of that I am angry at myself for not being good enough to be able to go with her... Like I said, my goal is just impossible.. 

My heart just about stopped in the middle of doing a system behavior analysis, not because of the sheer complexity of the task at hand, but the background music I was listening to. The myriad of thoughts just suddenly flashed and I had to excuse myself from the table. I was suddenly scared. Very, very scared.

I'd like to think of myself as the supporter. I rarely motivate. In a way, I feel when I motivate, I impose myself onto the person, whereas as a supporter, I stand somewhere in the behind, so that if the person ever feels like falling, I'd be able to support and cushion that person. 

And recently, my better half found her own motivation to pursue her dreams. More than that, she found ways to realize the dream, and off she went - going on and on and on about how she's going to do this and that, around here and over there, because this is possible and that is just within grasp. Dealing with her anxiety is easy, and when she expressed her enthusiasm of travelling, I became that supporter, promising myself to prepare a home for her to return to. 

But then, as I hear that song, I was so overwhelmed with fear - one so personal between us that it was never even expressed. I'm scared of losing you before your time, and I'm scared of not being around to hold and kiss you one last time. Owh man... I just wanna grow old with you.. 

To be honest, most of all to myself, I am not exactly in a good place at the moment. It takes my every bit of willpower to not break-down and fall apart, and God it is torture. I keep telling myself it'll be better, but there's always that little voice in my head that keeps asking "When? When? When?" and just letting my mind fleet into the thought for a second almost made me crumble. 

Being jobless is part of the anxiety. I kept a certain sum for emergencies, but emergencies means school fees and car and loans. I'm almost certain I've lost credentials to hang out with some of my friends simply because I can no longer afford it - and no, by all means I'm not accusing them of deserting me at my time of need, but let's be frank - there is nothing they can do to get me out of this shit-hole any more than to send job recommendations. Although I have to admit some are gracious enough to still spend time not money, and frankly, that is all I need right now. 

For the most part, my anxiety came from having to face my past. Most involves bumping into old friends - the friendship fell apart for reasons I still wonder until today. A couple of ex's also made re-appearance, one very enthusiastically trying to re-kindle the relationship that died. I'm still not sure how to handle this. For the time being I'll keep running - literally - until I'm out of breath.

I've pretty much figured out that they'll be frequenting the same place I go to to jog. Jogging is the only stable thing in my life right now. Just bring one step in front after another - leave everything behind for that whole hour. Leave my troubles, leave my anxiety, leave my past. If I am forced to give that up for fear of my past, I don't know where to anchor myself to. 

My significant other, my better half, to say the least I miss her - and that's an understatement. I may get some repercussion because I wrote it here in my blog instead of telling her organically, but it has been a week since we last sat together. She's a workaholic by nature and she loves spending time with her many-many friends. Between this and that, she barely has time for me and I have to understand even tho it kills me to hold back like this. If it's any consolation, I am 100% confident in her loyalty and she can expect the same from me. 

Like everyone else, I do enjoy some alone time. However, anxious times like now, I'd rather be in the company of my better half. That being said, I don't want to get in her way either - I am just so sure that she already has plans even on her off day. Well in any case, I'll just keep things together for a little while longer, wait here like a good boyfriend would until she could spare me a few. 

Wasn't my intention to replace you.. after all, you were, and remain so, the sweetest most modest person with an old soul even if we are of the same age. Even if I do try to replace you, I can never find one that is exactly you, with your wonderful humor and comical smile that never fails to bring me out of my shell. You and your passion for life, taking in every good with some lemon and ever bad with a spoonful of honey. Your and your sincerity, you and your timidness, you and your mystery...

A person that is of the similar background, both teaching parents, in a way both eldest, and in a way although independent both are happy to depend on another at times. That is the person whom reminded me most of you. Very shy at times, but very vocal at others. We share the same passion for friendship the way the two of us shared our passion for our friendship. We both put so much effort into trying to spend as much quality time together that my friends soon became his, and his became mine. 

Both of you are extremely humbling, it is an honor to have met you both. A blessings to call you a friend, and a true, very rare gift that I will cherish and appreciate forever. A year was barely enough to really know the person that is you, but even away, I still feel your friendship close to my heart. In him, I find the same kind of friendship - truly a humbling experience. Though in a different place and time, much of your personality I see in him, makes me reminisce of the time we shared together. 

Remember once the two of us were so broke that few days til payday? Well, I'm experiencing the same with him - except this time it is undeniably a little worse. Like before, I believe both of us will pull through one way or another. 

In all sense of similarity, I feel that our days are numbered. He will be leaving soon, just as you did back then. I don't blame either of you, just hoped that the time we can spare for each other lasts much longer. Being the one left behind is never easy, but I know that being the person who leaves is just as painful. 

In all intention I will keep in touch. With both of you. Such bond of friendship is rare, much too valuable to let the passage of time erode it. Whenever the thought crosses my mind, whenever the bells of memory would chime or rang, whenever a gust of wind carries whispers of our past, whenever footfalls on the earth we walk echoes your name, whenever a ray of light carries with it shadows of your face, or the splashing of water reveals a treasure at the bottom that is you, I will ring you up, just to let you know I was thinking of you.. And in all sense of similarity, in a way, I have found another you. 

Every time my head got all messed up inside and I let my emotions run lose, I always end up thinking and reciting this poem to myself. I may have blogged about this before, and that is an assurance to myself that there are things about me that don't change. 

People come into your life for a REASON, a SEASON or a LIFETIME. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person, and in return, for yourself. 

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need that you have expressed. 

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, 

To provide you with guidance and support,
To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem godsend, and they are,
because they are there for the REASON you NEED them to be
Then,
without any wrongdoing on your part, or even in an inconvenient time,
This person will say or do something that brings the relationship to an end.

Sometimes, they die.
Sometimes, they walk away.
Sometimes, they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that  our need has been met,
our desire fulfilled,
and their work is done.
The prayer you have sent up has been answered,
and it is time to move on...


Some people come into your life for a SEASON.
Because your turn has come to grow, share and learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, and the joy of laugh.
They may teach you something that you have never learned before.
Make you do something you never thought you would have done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real.
But only for a SEASON.


LIFETIME relationships teach you LIFETIME lessons.
Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job, is to ACCEPT these lessons.
Love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships
and are as your life.

It is said that LOVE IS BLIND, but FRIENDSHIP IS CLAIRVOYANT 

I never blame you for leaving...

..but I refuse to let you go..

Thank you for being a part of my life, be it a REASON, a SEASON or a LIFETIME

People who got stuck in loneliness have done  nothing wrong. None of us is immune to the feelings of isolation anymore than we are immune to the feelings of hunger or physical pain. 

John Cacioppo in his book Lonelinees.

We were out at the swimming pool, dipping and playing in the water after a hot day when at one point a friend came up and said "You must be in love." Perplexed at how he got the impression, I went of the defensive and asked "How did you come up with that conclusion?" He simply said "Because you looked lonely." 

I find myself pleasantly intrigued by how he associated being lonely and in love. "Loneliness," he went on to say, "in not the same as being alone, this being with others does not guarantee you to not feel lonely. It is also not the same as being cooped up and drowning yourself with guilt and fear and insecurity. Loneliness, real loneliness, is the want of intimacy." 

Describing loneliness as the want of intimacy really put things into perspective. I later discovered that this definition came from Frieda Fromm-Reichmann, a German psychiatrist contemporary to Sigmund Freud. Some of her notable publications was on Migraine, Stereotypies, and Domineering Mothers. Her theory on migraine, in particular, is.. 

..of the opinion that the symptom is produced when an unconscious hostile tendency is directed in particular at the destruction of an object's intelligence ("mental castration") and guilt feelings turn this tendency instead against one's own head'

(Otto Fenichel, The Psychoanalytic Theory of Neurosis (London 1946) p. 253.) 

I digress. Coming back to the topic of loneliness, it has been recently linked to bodily ailments as well as mental degeneration. Psycho-biologist can now show that loneliness sends misleading hormonal signals, disrupts the genes that governs behavior and causes other body system to malfunction and fall apart. Time and age, being the constant, also contributes to the physical effect of loneliness. Some of the diseases that are thought to be induced partly by loneliness is Alzheimer's, obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure and are also contributing factors to bad habits such as smoking, excessive alcohol consumption and drugs. 

Loneliness vary from person to person, just as taste vary from person to person. One would say that a lemon is pleasantly sour, helps to accentuate the taste of his food, while another would say that it is an unnecessary to his food and that the sourness blunts his appetite. There are introverted and extroverted people, as well as there are those who are in constant need for connection and those who don't seem to need friends at all.  

There are among us who are extremely lonely - not because of having too few friends or connections, but because they lack the social support that they require. It is not the quantity, but rather the quality of support - because loneliness can be treated through trust and intimacy. However, following the principle of natural selection and survival of the fittest, lonely people tend to be shunned away from the community for being perceived as weak, or suffer in silence to lead a life under false identity. 

These people are like walking time bombs - more sensitive than others to the pain of rejection. Their temperament is akin to that of a spoiled 5-year-old who would throw a temper-tantrum is his demand were not met. Similarly, shorter temper or passive-aggressive retaliation, cynical remark they consider as jokes, raised voice and self-preservation gestures such as folding the arms across the chest to protect himself. 

Biologically, their heart rate increases, stress hormones flood his body, body tissue swell up, and white blood cells swarm up in anticipation of a physical attack that never came. It would be harmless if this bouts of inflamed arousal dissipates quickly, but if kept for a prolonged period of time, the blood pressure levels would rise. Furthermore, because the body is kept at anticipating larger threats, part of the immune system that fends off smaller, more subtle threats began to fail, contributing to acquired allergies and periodical sickness. 

If we now know that loneliness, a social emotion, can reach into our body's biological system and cause disruptions and amok, what should we do about it? Change our view on health. Being healthy is not just about having a healthy body, but also having a healthy mind and emotion, and a healthy support society. Start small - reach out and seek those who can fulfill your social need, and in return do not shy away from those who seek you to fulfill their social need. Pay closer attention to the later, as you never know, you may heal your own loneliness as you heal theirs, and consequently be in love with each other.

Note : for further reading - The Lethality of Loneliness

I like to think of myself as a simple guy - others usually beg to differ. I enjoy a quiet walk by the riverside or a shopping spree whenever I can afford it. I like my solitary moments, yet at times I crave attention and to be around the people I love it suffocates them (sorry guys >.<) I like food, but I almost always feel guilty after eating - I've been steadily gaining weight lately. What is, is is to me - what was, was was - but what is to be is up to me to change. I guess in the lease amount of words I can describe myself is I'm a bundle of contradiction. 

In any case, of late I find myself collecting memories, reflecting on them, and re-living them one after another. I longed to be the person I used to be - I don't know who I am anymore. Thus to help me remember, I fashioned myself a simple Wall of Very Important Things. Mostly I hung key-chains on it, some were given by an important friend, some was given from a family member, some from my ex-girlfriends (dudes, chill. I've moved on since). A birthday card - something I haven't received since god knows when. Tickets of parks and rides with a dear friend - I hope to see you in Sabah next year. 

Still I feel a huge chunk of my heart is missing. Perhaps I've been looking in the wrong places. 

I've been stalking bookstores and stocking up on my reading list - so I thought to myself why not make a review of the books I've already read? And why not make it a periodical thing? Well I can't promise that I'd be able to finish a book every week - which would translate to about 52 books a year! That's an astounding feat! Hahaha! Well I'll make it a Sunday thing, ok? So every few Sundays, do expect a new book review from me! 

The latest book I've read was The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. A little bit about the author - He is one of the most read and beloved novelist in the world, with more than ten million copies of The Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns (the next novel I'm gonna read) sold in the US, and more than thirty-eight million copies sold worldwide in more than seventy countries! (WOW!!) He is also a Goodwill Envoy to the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees, the UN Refugee Agency and the founter of Khaled Hosseini Foundation, a nonprofit that provides humanitarian assistance to the people of Afghanistan. 

The Kite Runner is indeed a powerful novel - Khaled Hosseini's first - telling the story bond and friendship between Amir and Hassan, the former a Sunni Muslim and the later a Shi'a Muslim. Amir and Hassan grew up together, feeding from the same breast which makes them breastfeeding brothers, but Amir was born a Pashtun while Hassan a Hazara. The social caste in Afghanistan scorned such friendship, Hassan and Amir being constantly bullied by their Pashtun peers, with Hassan always stepping up to defend Amir in every single conflict. 

Some of the important events in the beginning of the novel was that they young friends would always find themselves climbing to the top of the hill and sat under a pomegranate tree where Amir would read to Hassan. Sometimes Amir would tease Hassan of his illiteracy and began making up the stories and pretending to still read from the book. It was then that Hassan commented that that was the best story he had ever heard. Amir also composed himself a short story, to which Hassan was very delighted to hear but to Amir's dismay, his father or Baba would not have an ear for. It was also on the bark of that pomegranate tree that Amir carved the words "Amir and Hassan, Sultans of Kabul" signifying the strong kinship between the two. 

The next chapters revealed how Amir craved for his Baba's affection, blaming himself for not being able to live up to his Baba's expectation. He was not the soccer player his Baba expected him to be. Everytime they went for a road trip, his Baba would be ashamed of him because he gets car sick and would throw up. It was in Rahim Khan, his Baba's best friend that he found a father figure, but underneath that he was always craving for his father's affection. 

That moment came at last at the Kite Flying tournament held annually in Kabul, where hundreds of kite flyers fight to cut each other's strings and become the last kite still in the sky. Amir, along with Hassan holding the spool, came out victorious, and it was the first time Amir felt like his Baba's son. In the kite flying competition, when a kite's string was cut, the kite runners would seek to capture the kite to claim for his own - and the most prized kite was the last kite that was cut  last. After Amir successfully cut the last kite, Hassan dutifully cried "for you, a thousand times over" as he raced along the streets to collect that last fallen kite. 

After the kite flying tournament ended, however, Hassan did not come home. Amir went out looking, and found Hassan being cornered by Assef and another two of their peers, and that was when Amir witnessed the most cruel deed Assef did to Hassan. Instead of standing up to Assef the was Hassan would, Amir hid himself in a aleey like a coward. It was then that their kinship took a different turn. 

The novel went on about the time when Afghanistan was in turmoil, from the fall of Afghanistan's monarchy through the Soviet military intervention, the exodus of refugee to Pakistan and the United States, and the rise of the Taliban regime. Amir and his Baba was not spared, enduring the journey and migration and finally ending up in San Francisco, where they made a living - his Baba working at the local gas station and amir himself went to school and studied to become a writer. 

Like a bad penny, the past always has it's ways of coming back to haunt us. Amir found himself, over two decades later, caught between living the life of hidden lies and dishonor swept quietly under the rug, or putting his current, happy life into jeopardy in trying to make things right again between him and Hassan. Had the beginning be captivating, the middle and towards the end will grip you like a vice and tear your heart apart word after word, sentence after sentence. The journey that Amir endeavored to atone for his past sin to Hassan was told straigh-forward and in absolute details. 

The Washington Post Book World reviewed the book as 

"powerful.. no frills, no nonsense, just hard, spare prose.. an intimate account of family and friendship, betrayal and salvation that requires no atlas or translation to engage and enlighten us. Parts of The Kite Runner are raw and excruciating to read, yet the book in its entirety is lovingly written."

I couldn't agree more. 

Though I'm proud to say that I like to read, that given the choice to be paid to read I would probably become a millionaire very very quickly, I'd like to clarify that I don't remember too much of what I read. More than "not being able to remember", I'd say I "don't want to remember because I tend to live inside the novel and get caught in my vivid imagination". Sounds crazy, I know, but trust me, I have been know to drive myself crazy. 

The Yellow Birds is such a book that would drive me insane. Written by Kevin Powers, a veteran of war himself who enlisted with the army and joined the Iraq war serving as a machine gunner, The Yellow Birds was something like a memorabilia of his experience of war. Set in the northern city of Al Tafar in the eyes of Private John Bartle, the book tells a story of a brotherhood of men in the army, of a broken promise and of betrayal. 

21-years-old Private Bartle together with 18-years-old Private Daniel Murphy enlisted into the army and was placed under the command of Sergeant Sterling - a decorated war veteran. The sergeant, worn and battle-scarred, would punch them in the face one moment and clap them in the back the next, as they together with the rest of their platoon endured basic training. 

Before their deployment, Private Bartle made a promise to the mother of Private Murphy that he would take care of his son. It was revealed that the promise would be broken in the early chapters of the book, and it was Sergeant Sterling who stressed that such promises should never have been made in the first place. 

The book was non-lineally structured - jumping between the years of which Private Bartle and Private Murphy fought in the war to when Private Bartle returned home, without private Murphy with him thus breaking the promise he made, to the brief time they had spent in Germany for their post-battle health evaluation, and finally when Private Bartle was arrested by the Criminal Investigation Division for the crime he and Sergeant Sterling committed regarding the death of Private Murphy. 

The climax of the book, in my opinion is when Private Bartle returned home to his mother. and began reflecting on the things he did back in Iraq. He felt like he did not fit into the society - whom was very grateful for his service but to him he was wrong for returning home unharmed while some of his army-men never had the chance to return at all. As he drank and slept his days away, counting the second when the CID would finally catch him, he reflected on the promise that he made to Private Murphy's mother, how he should've seen how Privatee Murphy began to lose himself to the war, and how he felt responsible for not setting Private Murphy straight. 

This is my first book with army and war theme in background, but more than that the inner-thoughts that made up for chase scene made up of words and phrases, like music that crescendos into fast paced allegro vivace to a melancholy adagio, it carries me to a different world - an slight and if only made-up understanding of the state of a soldier returning from war. I find myself worrying about our own men coming back home from war, and I hope they don't go through what Kevin Powers describe it to be in this book. 

Ever since it opened, I've always planted an intention to sit and try the food at Boardriders Cafe @ Sunset Avenue Plaza Merdeka, Kuching. I have to say, I was not disappointed. The other day for Iftar me and a couple of friends was able to try out one of the promotion, which as a main course, a soup and bottomless iced tea for RM 19.90 ++ (I'm sure the ++ was for any extra drinks or desserts and what not).

The list of main courses was not too overwhelming, among them was :

• Pineapple Chicken Curry with Butter Rice
• Clack Pepper Chicken Chop with Butter Rice
• Tuna Spaghetti Carbonara
• Turkey Ham and Cheese Sandwich
• Beef Pepperoni

My two good friends decided to try the Black Pepper Chicken Chop with Butter Rice. I had a bite, and boy the black pepper sauce was delicious. Not too strong, just nice. The colour and plating was nicely done, with plenty of fresh salad and tomatoes. Fortunately for me, my dear friends has a low liking towards vege so I had extra salad (which I was unable to finish in the end being too full after my own meal). 

I ordered the Tuna Spaghetti Carbonara because I am a fan of carbonara sauce. Mixed feeling here, because as much as I do enjoy it, the sauce was too thick and the tuna was too chunky to my liking. An extra spoon or two might help the dish too, I suppose. But the overall taste and presentation was delightful enough I cleaned my plate anyways (then again, a lot of people would say I clean my plate in spite of whatever). 

The three of us stayed and talked for a couple of hours over iced tea. The waiters were attentive enough to offer to refill our cups, our seat was cozy right by the window overlooking Padang Merdeka. I like how the cafe was setup to reflect the ambiance of an indoor surf joint, complete with surfboards! And for those who wants a quiet time to themselves, they even have a bar along with headphones so you can still retreat into your own world even if you forgot your earphones.

I managed to snap (and enhance here and there) a few photos. If you've never tried Boardriders Cafe before, do give it a go. I'm sure you'll fall in love instantly!

In spite of how horrible After Earth was to me, I could still recall a single line that Will Smith said to his son - "Danger is real, fear is a choice". I didn't feel I had much choice except to feel fear or scared or terrified out of my pants when watching The Conjuring! I should've backed off knowing that even my friends who are huge fans of horror movies said that it was too much for them to handle. 

Curious enough, I went with it anyways with my a couple of friends (u guys owe me a new pair of jeans!!), and for the record it wasn't on my own choice to watch it - not that I regret (too much) after watching. 

The Conjuring tells the story of the Perron Family who moved into a huge farmhouse and soon after began experiencing paranormal activities. The story was told in the perspective of Ed and Lorraine Warren, a well-known American paranormal investigator, demonologist, author and lecturer associated with prominent cases of hauntings. Lorraine, Ed's wife, was gifted with the power of clairvoyance and assisted her husband in many of the cases they investigated. 

As noted in the beginning of the movie (in crude yellow font, if I may add) the pair had investigated many paranormal cases, but none so baffling as that of the Perrons experienced. Without revealing too much of the plot, The Conjuring  took place in the year 1971, when Carolyn and Roger Perron, along with their 5 daughters, moved into a (did I say) huge old farmhouse (that was waaaayyyy too remote to my liking). The moving had no notable scene except when the dog refused to enter the house (there.. I felt I said too much already). Following the discovery of an underground cellar by one of their daughters while playing clap and hide (I'm not sure if it's clap and hide or hide and clap - if you know please clarify in comments), every other scene reveals the paranormal activities that finally lead to a possession and exorcism. 

I suppose like many of the audience in the theatre around me, the small caption based on a true story catches our attention. Regardless whether or not The Conjuring was based on a real-life event in whole or partly, as a horror movie I can safely say it probably scarred me for life (and I have a pair of ripped jeans to prove it!) The cinematography, the makeup, the sound effects, the featured songs! I remember telling my friend that I wanted the songs from the movie, now I'm not so sure anymore. 

Typical in many horror movies, based on a true event or purely fictional, every little details is exaggerated to add the element of suspense. Every creak of wood, every droplet of water, every swinging door, bark of a dog, flapping of a bird's wing, that dramatic pause, the clap of a pair of hands, plays the audience's emotion. Questions after questions after questions popped into my mind - why didn't the dog enter the house? why was the cellar boarded up? that box of match on the stairs, what was it's significance? (demmit, I'm actually getting goosebumps remembering the scenes!!!)

Avid movie goers who happens to enjoy a good scare out of a movie every once in a while would probably jump to the fact that this movie was rated R (Restricted) by the MPAA (Motion Pictures Association of America). What it basically means is that children under 17 (wth? that was in their website - under 17's are children?) must be accompanied by parent or adult. (I thought I saw a couple of parents bringing their children probably under 10).

Producer Walter Hamada revealed that the given rating was not because of the usual blood and gore, offensive language, sex scenes or other usual offenders, but rather :

"When we sent it [to MPAA], they gave us the R-rating. When we asked them why, they basically said, ‘It’s just so scary. [There are] no specific scenes or tone you could take out to get it PG-13."

Director James Wan (as pointed out by Anonymous in the comments, is Kuching born) who also happens to bring about the success of Saw and Insidious added that the rating

“[Is] a testament to the studio for not f*cking with the film. It works and they are sticking to it and I’m very thankful for that.“

Surprisingly, the ending almost brought tears to my eyes as the exorcism began to fail. The director managed to capture an emotional essence of the Perrons experience not only the horrible ones but also the aspiring as well. Yet again, without revealing too much, I'm gonna leave you with some of the scenes to be anticipated in The Conjuring (not necessarily in order of appearance) - Locket, Matchbox, Wardrobe, Clapping, Dog, Birds, Clothline and linens, cellar. 

Ps : I'm almost certain my jeans ripped more and more at each and every scene - talk about being scared out of your pants! 

"Make new friends but keep the old, 

for these are silver and those are gold."

I'm not sure who came up with that quote, but it is one that I stood by. 10 years passed since I left secondary school. Some of my friends I haven't met since. Some kept in touch, and some are still best friends even.. no, especially after all these years. We're grown up men and women now, and lots of us are married and having kids. Blink after blink, lo and behold we're all uncles and aunties now. 

Along with the Ramadhan comes the annual gathering of friends. This year was no exception. It's as if a preliminary gathering in the breaking of fast, when come Aidilfitri a much bigger gathering is bound to happen. Even those who could not make it was mentioned and kept close to heart in best wishes. I find myself reminiscing on my bullies whom have grown into gentlemens with their wife and kids. Hatchets are buried, water under the bridge. Now we laugh at our silliness, not only in primary and secondary school, but also in the recent years when gatherings would occur and stories were exchanged. Truly, friendship, like gold, grows in value over time. 

Well - I'm gonna go on a limb here and post in my native language. 

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Malam tadik dapat jwak melepas rindu melepak ngan geng-geng skolah dolok. Ngembak sungkei, bukak posa.. lepak kejap, kak ya kt pulang, kata dirik nya tek... cek cek kol 10 jwak baruk angkat. Nak molah cerita kali nak? hahaha! 

Tok lah tempat bersejarah tahun tok. Makanan nang superb. Location cun (kat Greenroad, sebelah Cotton Button, Lock Ann.. sik jauh dari Celcom Center lamak). Urang pun sik rami - ka nang khas direserve k kita bekuku-kakah? hahaha! Aku sik ingat bila last ku tetak serenggak nyawa kedak malam tadik. 

Banyak di-order kmk org k makan. Badan yang datang 7 orang (plus a little girl and a baby yang sangat-sangat comel) tapi order bagei makan 10 orang. Ney gik dengan jagung susu ngan ABD gik. Tapi, nyaman senyaman-nyamannya. Aku yang alergik ngan seafood, boleh makan sampei 7 8 ekor udang (undang bak kata member sorang. Hahaha!) Besar-besar gik ya! Dalam banyak-banyak ya tek, center dishes adalah :

Daging Celebrity	Butter Prawn
Tom Yam

Geng-geng seperti biasa sangat kuku-kakah. Oleh kerana aku pun lamak dah sik melepak ngan geng-geng tok, banyak cerita yang miss. Tp sidak seperti biasa sangat sporting beguro-bersenda macam dolok marek. nang rioh la. Best jwak bila ada nembiak k ngalih cerita. Dapat tauk ada yang nak kawen dah ujong tahun tok. So next year, ada harapan la bilangan berganda-ganda.. Aku doa semoga dipermudahkan urusan ktk orang semua, amin.. 

Tok baruk preliminary round kata orang.. Tunggu raya kelak, in sya Allah, kita berkumpol rami-rami gik. ok?

if I could teach you how to fly

or bake an elderly pie

if I could turn sidewalks into stars

or play new song on an old guitar

or if I knew the way to heaven

the names of night, the taste of seven

and owned them all to keep or lend - 

would you come and be my friend?

You cannot teach me how to fly

I love the berries, not the pie

the sidewalks are for walking on

and an old guitar has just one song

the names of night cannot be known

the way to heaven cannot be shown

you cannot keep, you cannot lend

but I still want you for a friend

~ Dennis Lee ~

Around the corner I have a friend

in this great city that has no end

yet days go by and weeks rush on

before I know it a year is gone

And I never saw my old friend's face

for life is a swift and terrible race

He knows I like him just as well

as in the days I rang his bell

And he rang mine, but we were younger then

now we're busy, tired men

Tired of playing foolish games

Tired of trying to make a name

"Tomorrow," I said, "I'll call on Jim!"

"Just to let him know I was thinking of him,"

yet tomorrow came and tomorrow goes

the distance between us grows and grows

Around the corner, yet miles away

"Here's a telegram, sir. Jim died today."

And that's what we get and deserve in the end

Around the corner, a vanished friend

~ Charles Hanson Towne ~